Sitting there alone as my tears washed over the kitchen floor, I knew something had to change. I was paralyzed by fear. I was overcome by left-over emotions of past realities. Realities of my dad’s death at 33; I was eight. Realities of this same dad leaving 7 years earlier; my 8-year-old self wondering if it were her fault. I was broken and bound by fear. And in this reality, I sat in my corner all alone. Wrapped in the body of my 32-year-old self, I wept the tears of fear that washed over me after my husband and son walked out the door. This was when I knew something had to change.
My husband of ten years was a good man. My four-year-old son was my favorite gift from God. Together they were a unified front of laughter and silliness. They walked out the door around 4 pm for an overnight camping trip. I knew I would never see them again. That’s the thing with fear, it cripples you in your softest place and causes you to succumb to its truth. And I was dining at its table.
Seeing myself paralyzed in this manner overwhelmed me even more. There was a part of me that didn’t want to be this person anymore. This little girl inside me, who grieved truth and lies equally, wanted to break out, to be free. Something had to change for her, for me.
I had a friend who knew fear. Hers was a different fruit of fear but of the same root. Hers equally fresh in her mind, a mess of truths and lies. I’m struggling. I need your help. Can you meet for coffee? A simple text message, short and to the point. A message void of emotions and details. She knew.
She parked her vehicle beside mine. I could hear her classical music filling her soul as I sat in my empty silence. Her shining smile met my broken expression. There was no need to attempt a falsehood; she understood.
That coffee date is a slight blur in my memory. This makes me sad. But the process in which this coffee date began and the path in which it led was a game changer for us both. She, in her moment of strength, spoke words of truth over me. I, in my weakness, let her. Our friendship grew that day. Our strength bonded together. Lies were verbally expressed, seen for what they were and thrown into the fire.
Fear did not die that day, but it knew where it was heading. For the first time in my adult life, fear was the one trembling. My husband of 18 years and my 13 year old have left and returned from multiple camping trips since that day. No longer does fear succumb me to its table. Something had changed; I changed.
Fear lost its power within me; unleashed truth reigns in its place.
Friend, if fear is a battle, remember its Victor. Speak His truth over the lies that overtake your thoughts. Listen to the voice of Truth. It is a choice we get to make. And when we do, powerful changes will occur. Little by little, day by day. Fear has already lost. Stand on that foundation and choose truth.
Xoxo,
Jaclyn
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